Shimmee shimmee cocoa puffs

It's Tuesday and I've had the equivalent of 8 cups of coffee today, so needless to say I'm a little antsy. That's ok though, antsy is kinda neat. Emphasis on kinda. Bleh.

Today was a slow day, as are my off weeks at work. I need to enjoy it while I can because I'm about to start taking on my own regulars (regular companies as opposed to the en masse I do for a major restaurant chain). These are your mom and poppy type things...you know the drill. Should be interesting at least.

So yesterday, I had an email from James at work. All it said was that he had emailed me last Monday evening, I'd read it Tuesday and I'd not yet responded and was everything ok? I did in fact get the email and I read it and promptly deleted it and went on about my business. Well, when I got that email yesterday, the first time I responded, I simply put "Yup, I got the email. Everything is A-OK." Later, I felt like that was really rude, so I responded again and told him that I'd gotten it and yes I was ok, just busy. I talked with my mom about it last night because it made me angry (go figure) again. I can't seem to get "un" angry at him in general. Why do I have all this anger built up in regards to him? Do I cut him off and out and get on with life? Do I give him the second chance that I've given other people in my life? Why does he get under my skin, yadda yadda yadda. My mom's words of wisdom were that a. I need to rethink my definition of friend (she's told me this numerous times), b. if I want him out, just ignore him and he'll get the picture, c. I need to let it go, roll with it. I wish I knew how to do that, honestly I do.

So, today I took yet another opportunity to tell Mr. James how I feel about this whole bullshit situation. Well, I kinda did. I told him that last week was my busy week and that I had thought about emailing him back and blah blah blah. I moved on to the next paragraph and told him that I really didn't email him back because quite frankly, I don't know what to say. I feel like all we do is exchange pleasantries via email, which while I do know how to do that, I feel it is weird, odd and strange that it has come to this. I feel like the fact that our communication consists of these dry emails is sad and that I don't feel like I know him anymore. To quote the movie Big Fish, we're strangers who know a lot about each other.

So he emailed back. He said he was sorry, he knew he'd not tried. He was sorry if he hurt my feelings, although he didn't feel like he didn't know what to say (as I do). He was sorry if he had ruined our friendship and lastly he was sorry that he didn't try harder. He didn't want to lose the friendship and he wanted to try.

All of that was nice and as far as I'm concerned at this point, lip service. What stuck out the most to me was that he said he wanted to talk (not that part) and when would I be home...he listed off how he was going to be gone Wednesday till Sunday (out every night I assume). Anyway, he went on to say how he is never home anymore, because he hates being there. He hates being there because it reminds him of how truly alone he is.

Ahem.

Not to act as if I'm happy to hear that, because I'm not--but that pretty much sums up James and while things change the more they stay the same. He's always been needy (and mother, if you're reading this, no need to say I told you so) and to hear him say that is sad. Sad because it just is and sad because he's made it this way. He fills his life with things and stuff--- hot night spots, designer clothes and the trendiest music. He spends more money on facial products than I do, and I'm a girl! He fills his life with people who want to go out and have fun and need to be out and be seen and be cool and be and be and be and......none of them are comfortable in their own skins. None of them can sit at home with themselves. None of them can enjoy the silence of just being. They need the noise of being caught up and feeling needed, FEELING needed. Not actually being needed. They need to feel like their important, instead of knowing they are to someone. They need the approval of others beyond themselves.

I'm very lucky. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I can be in a room with myself and no one else and be fine. I can enjoy a good book, the company of my family, snoozing with my dog and I know that it's ok. I don't need other people around me to make me feel.....better. I don't need to spend $300 on shoes so that people will think I'm cool. I don't need to go to nightclubs to feel alive, because I AM. I don't need the validation of others. I pat myself on the back and go on--I don't wait for someone else to do it for me.

At any rate, we're supposed to talk tonight. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath :) That would mean I'd pass out! I'm going to try and make the effort to let go, but be nice. I don't have to be a bitch about it.....I don't have to let it affect me, it is all my choice. An that is the same with anything-----we choose who we let hurt us, who we let affect us and influence us. It's all our choice.

So, I choose me.